lifeinawalnut

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-05-23T21:40:00

2006-05-24T01:49:18Z

So whats up homies? Havnt talked to anyone really in the past few months. Im back at home now. Its kinda cool, got a new room basically, its green... yeah. Living in the basement is weird though. So all I basically do is go to school, work and chill with THA BOYZ!! Yeah. So my Christopher is getting out of jail in a few weeks, im super excited I cant fucking wait. Things are going by fast. Its kinda weird. But I dunno shit seems to get fucked up for me really fast. Never mind I dont think I want to write in this anymore right now.

Byes.

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-04-21T08:08:00

2006-04-21T12:06:32Z

im sorry to all of you.

my time to be selfish.

I love you James.

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-04-19T14:40:00

2006-04-19T18:45:10Z

so yeah. im at my moms house. had to help out my dad cuz hes been too sick to do anything. yard work sucks. been chillin at James's like all week. i love him. oh yeah we got back together on the 14th. i was happy. easter was great. chilled with james all day and made a nice dinner and we baked cookies and yeah it was a lot of fun. CHRONIC. im lovin' it. my dad asked me to move back home today and shit, and hes all like upset and thinkin hes goin to die and shit. sayin my mom is goin to need me. which i already know. but im not sure about any of this. if im just goin to get bossed around and shit all the time fuck that, but if i get to do what i want and try and grow up than hell yeah ill move back... i think? maybe. ohh well i g2g, werk at 4 yall, then goin to james's house prolly. gettin drunk tonight? i think soooo.

JRH- I love you baby.

PEACE.

P.S....... 420 IS TOMORROW BITCHES!!!

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-04-04T20:17:00

2006-04-05T00:30:38Z

so what up people? nothin much with me. been around a bit. chillin. tryin to get back to being normal which isnt going to great. thinkin about goin to the shrinks again. schools going okay. seems like the classes suddenly got harder? i dont understand that. going to RCI twice a week still, takes up time. tryin my hardest to keep clean for probation. im still werkin quite a bit, which is cool i guess. been chillin with James a lot again. hoping that works out. which would be cool i guess. but for now i just want to keep up with my life and im startin to fall behind. my dads not doin that great and hes goin to the hospital thursday to see his Doc. not sure about, that i hope it goes well. AND!!!!!!!!!! im going to go see CHRISTOPHER tomorrow!!!! im so EXCITED!!!! gosh i miss him so much. well im bout to go home and such so... leave me comments? thanks. bye.

JRH. <3.

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-04-01T01:48:00

2006-04-01T07:01:29Z

today was kinda weird. couldnt sleep this morning, shit on my mind always wont let me sleep. my mind has been running crazy and i think its time to bring in the outside help. chilled with muh sistas and got ice cream, well they did. saw Grimmy and talked to him, havnt seen that dude in forever. went to work. had an awesome time at work chillin with the Dub Crew. ended up gettin drunk and going to see Ice Age 2. fucking funny ass movie. then went out and did what ever saw some peeps, chilled, just got back. im stayin the night at my moms house for the first time since i moved out. kinda really fucking weird i dont know if ill be able to sleep :/. this past week has been real stressful and im not real sure about anything anymore. im really starting to doubt myself about something i thought i never would. maybe it is time for a change. scary for me, none of you know what the hell im talking about. but its important trust me. but anyways this week will be boring. werkin like as much as possible. going to go see Christopher wednesday!!!!!! god i miss him so fucking much!!!! yeah... im really likin werkin all the time. keeps me busy though i cant get shit off my mind.

but yeahhhhhh i dont know.

<3JRH.

Later.

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-03-30T14:32:00

2006-03-30T19:33:45Z

well lifes a bitch and it seems like things are getting worse and worse. doesnt look like theres much to live for anymore...

goddamn why did things have to end this way? why did things have to end at all? i guess because im a fuck up but that'll change....

<3JRH forever and always even if he does hate me.

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-03-25T20:08:00

2006-03-26T01:15:43Z

What up people? Nothin much goin on with me. Been werkin and shit. Chillin at tha house and being bored. RCI is going okay. I get off prebation befor christmas, sweet. Christopher needs everyone to write him lots of letters!!!! I miss him, all of his letters that he sends me make me sad. James and I broke up like a few weeks ago and shit and it sucked. I made a whole lot of bad choices with that shit. Buuuuutttt were friends now so i guess thats all good. Just waitin fer my buddy to get outta JAIL. Danny boi is gone too now so i really dont have anyone to talk to about shit which FUCKING SUCKS. But I havnt smoked weed in a bit cos i got a drug test coming up. I dont know if i really want to smoke weed anymore even. But yeah today has been okay. Woke up and chilled and James came over to watch Doom, i love that movie. And now im here at my moms house chillin with stacy. Butttt yeah im bout to go. sooo ill talk to yall when ever. Email me if ya want cos in school thats the only website i can go to Godsaidnototom@yahoo.com or call tha house and ask fo me 5444172. byes.

lifeinawalnut @ 2006-03-10T17:24:00

2006-03-10T22:25:56Z

my life is a fucking mess.

i lost james. and i dont think he wants to get back together anymore.

its fucking killing me.

i cant fucking live without my heart.

what is there when theres nothing left?

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-12-01T06:45:00

2005-12-01T11:47:34Z

so last night FUCKING SUCKED. one of the worst nights of my life. i love my best friends. i dont ever want to lose them. i care more about them than my own family, its really sad, because, i consider them to be my family. they are the ones who love and care about me. i dont know what i would do with out my bros. a long night of screaming, crying and things being broken. oh yeah, my bong no longer exists. i guess ill post pictures of it. best bong EVER. it was so awesome. im going to miss it.

James- i love you more than ever. your the most amazing boyfriend.

Chris- everyone cares about you, even your mom, weather you want to believe it or not. your my big bro, i need you, dont ever leave me.

Johnny- we have both been through a lot of shit. im glad your still with us, things arnt the same without you. thanks for always being there for me, love you little bro.

Val- i know we dont talk much anymore, but your still one of my best friends and i miss you so much. its sad without you around.

life is boring as FUCK

2005-11-30T13:40:49Z

ahhhhhhhh. yeah i dont know. nothing of much importance has been going on. spending almost all of my time with James. havnt slept in my own bed or house for that matter in two weeks. i dont talk to my parents. ever. because im never home. i go to work.... sometimes. the best thing ive got going on right now is my relationship with James, which means just about everything to me. i still hate school but i might end up going to oxford... just to give it a try, might make my parents happy. MIGHT, but i doubt it, they hate me. and so im not going to tennessee anymore. got something better up here that isnt down there. so now the only thing thats bad right now is having to go to court on the 6th. damn i hope i dont get probation, that will be a bitch, id rather just go to jail for a few days. yeahhhhhhhh. but anyways. i guess ill get back to my boring life. Peace.

<3 James
<3 muh PiMp
<3 Johnny

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-11-28T06:55:00

2005-11-28T12:08:30Z

fuck it all. fuck you all.

were friends right?

YEAH FUCK THAT, I DONT HAVE FRIENDS.

I got my boys who are always there for me and they couldnt make me any happier.

Thanks Chris, James and Jon, for everything.

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-11-24T16:30:00

2005-11-24T21:33:47Z

i've kissed someone....
[x] on the cheek
[x] on the lips
[x] on their neck
[x] on their stomach
[x] on their hands
[x] in my room
[x] in their room
[ ] in the shower
[x] of the opposite sex
[ ] of the same sex
[x] younger than me
[x] older than me
[x] with black hair
[x] with curly hair
[x] with blonde hair
[ ] with a tattoo
[x] with straight hair
[x] shorter than me
[ ] with a lip ring
[ ] with a tongue ring
[x] who was drunk
[x] when I was drunk
[x] taller than me
[x] who was high
[x] just before bed
[x] late at night
[x] who I really didn't want to kiss
[x] who was going out with someone else
[x] on a bed
[ ] two people at the same time
[ ] right after you've kissed somebody else
[ ] in a graveyard
[x] against a wall
[x] at a show
[ ] at the beach
[x] in a pool
[x] who was/is a good friend
[ ] in the rain
[x] in a car
[ ] on a plane
[ ] in the movies
[x] in a bathroom
[x] in the dark
[ ] on a roof top
[x] under water
[x] at the park
[ ] in another state
[ ] in another country
[ ] who wasn't american
[x] while people were watching
[ ] in a dorm
[x] who you later went out with
[ ] right before class
[x] in front of your parents
[x] to piss someone else off
[x] on a dare
[ ] in a hotel
[ ] at camp
[x] below the waist
[x] who you later regretted kissing
[ ] in an elevator
[ ] on a boat
[x] on your birthday
[ ] on Christmas
[ ] On New Year's Eve
[x] On Valentines day

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-11-22T05:20:00

2005-11-22T10:28:50Z

Umm tha past few days have been pretty awesome. Minus tha part where muh boi Johnny went ta jail. Omg muh PiMp was so sad which made me sad. But tha past week I spent with James. I can't believe how in love I am with him. Hes so amazing, and makes me happier than ever.

This week is gonna go by quick. Off work like all week. Thursday is turkey day woop woop. Havin family over o'course. Friday was supposed to go up north early but I gotta work. Saturday I get ta go up north the whole day with muh mom, sisters and g-ma. Wooooo (NOT), but I get to drive tha whole way so fuck yeah. Might be able to go off-roading just a tiny bit? Hopefully.

Well I would say ima go sleep but I slept enough goin up north with Russ and James tonight. So ima go take care of tha kiddos, cuz im a #1 mom yo. Peace.

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-11-19T16:45:00

2005-11-19T21:58:11Z

thursday- was my moms birthday. got her aerosmith tickets. she cryed. haha. yes she loved them.

friday- i watched dazed and confused with stacy and drank and then went to bela's party. punched the fuck outta that bitch. then went to chris's house. he was sleepy. so i came home and then went to james's and spent the night there. stayed there untill like 4pm? and now im home.

i love my boyfriend hes so amazing. he makes me so happy. i miss him already.

<3 peace.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMBER!!!

2005-11-15T20:33:50Z

Im really tired. I havnt slept much in the past two weeks or so.

Ive been really mean to my mom, and her birthday is thursday (not sure if I should be nice or mean).

And Chris (one of my best friends) is going away for awhile. Im gonna miss him like crazy. It makes me sad. But James asked me out yesterday. It made me really happy. So happy. My goodness its really sad how much I love him.

Im mostly happy about everything. Feeling a bit positive today? :) I guess thats a good thing.

Its starting to get cold out, sweet. But I miss summer.

IM A # 1 MOM!!!!! yay!!!!

2005-11-12T07:23:44Z

so things are going good. been working a lot. it makes me happy, working. i like not having to wake up at 6am for school. if i do end up going back to school, its not going to be berkley. theres a ton of cool kids there, but at the same time theres tons of pricks that i dislike having to be around. i worked things out with my mom and we are on good terms now. actually, things with my mom are great. we have been talking a lot and shes really opened up to me about some things. my dad on the other hand. well, i dont really want to get into that. lets just say hes gone INSANE, and everyone else thinks it as well. my sisters are doing pretty well too. im getting along with them perfectly. so mostly all is good. ive been really tired a lot lately. i just cant sleep. everyone thinks that im depressed or pissed off when really im just so tired. i just never seem to sleep at night. my moms birthday is coming up. im so excited. shes getting a big surprise present. she will be happy.

and i thought it was funny that ryan came up to me today and said "you always smell like you just got out of the shower". very random.

i still love you, i just dont have the heart to say it.

thinking

2005-11-07T08:14:59Z

All the things you hide from me, all the shit that you do. You were all the things i thought i knew and i thought we could be. It's nice to know that you were there. Thanks for acting like you cared. And making me feel like I was the only one. It's nice to know we had it all. Thanks for watching as I fall. And letting me know we were done. So much for my happy ending.

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-11-02T23:35:00

2005-11-03T04:48:17Z

today was okay. woke up at 2. waited for stacy to get home. then we went to target. what an adventure! we decided that it was nice outside, so we rode bikes. it was quite far, but very enjoyable. passed the land of inflatable snow men!!!! oh lord was that strange. haha. yes im very insane. got home and had to rush off to my soccer game. we won, 3-2. i scored the winning goal. i guess that made me feel better, seeing as someone didnt show up to my game. heh. after my game Christopher picked me up. Jon was there too, we chilled, it was cool. But now im home and bored.

I have been trying my best to forget. I think its somewhat working :/

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-11-01T23:28:00

2005-11-02T04:36:57Z

so i didnt get kicked out. but i wish i would have.

looks like im stuck in berkley until december. or until i get kicked out of my house.

going to tennessee to live with my cousin, btw shes only 16. haha. yeahhhh.

so i really dont think my life will get any better here. its pretty much gone now. nothings coming back. i fucked myself over. and do i regret it? yes. i regret everything since the beginning of high school. did i do my best while i was stuck in this shit hole of a house? nope. i still wonder why i fucked it all up.

tried to be a hero. tried to help my mom from the abuse. tried to help myself from all the abuse. well theres no more physical abuse going on anymore. my mom told me that over all it was my mistake that cost her everything. nice huh? to blame it all on me. FUCK FAMILY.

MY LIFE WAS ALWAYS SHIT AND I DONT NEED IT ANYMORE

2005-11-01T00:45:14Z

SO IM FUCKING GROUNDED FOR SOME GAY ASS SHIT I DID LAST NIGHT AND THIS IS BULLSHIT SO IF I LEAVE I GET KICKED OUT.

GUESS IM MOVING TO TENNESSEE SOONER THAN I THOUGHT.

FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK THE WORLD. BYE.

why hello there

2005-10-29T07:19:36Z

so ive been thinking. and my conclusion is that i think im done with hanging out with friends. im just tired of getting hurt. i just dont want to deal with it anymore. besides, no one wants to hangout with me anymore. you all have better friends than me anyways, i understand that.

i have been thinking of moving... im not sure yet about that. but that means that i would lose communication with just about everyone...

let me know what you think. both negative and positive comments appreciated.

you bleed just to know your alive

2005-10-28T03:28:36Z

what a great fucking day.... NOT!!

IM GLAD THAT I HAVE SUCH GOOD "FRIENDS"

FUCK YOU ALL. EVERYONE OF YOU. IF YOUR READING THIS, PLEASE, TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

none of you obviously care as much as you say you do. and to think i believed any of you were my friends.

my life is a fucking joke.

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-10-26T01:57:00

2005-10-26T06:04:45Z

Life is just too fucking hard.

I try. My effort means nothing. Thats sad.

Happiness is nonexistent at this point.

Why try if you get screwed over in the end?

Ive killed the part of myself that kept me going. I killed the only thing that ever led me to strive for what is best for myself. I am nothing.

Do not become me. Do not follow in my path of self destructiveness.

lifeinawalnut @ 2005-10-23T19:40:00

2005-10-24T00:03:55Z

so last night i went to smallz's party. brought a 5th of bacardi. haha. yeah i was just a LITTLE drunk. bit my lip really hard and got blood all over myself. and so i decided that i should go home. haha. BAD IDEA. walked all the way from smallz's house to my house at 2:30am. didnt get home untill 3:30. my dad just so happened to be up and heard me trying to open the door, i couldnt get my key in the lock. haha. so he opens the door, weird conversation.

Dad: Are ya drunk?
Me: Yep
Dad: Ya gonna get sick?
Me: YEP
*stumbles down the stairs and starts throwing up*

next morning, i wake up to the cat hitting my face. first reaction- smack the cat to the floor. haha. i have the worst hangover of my life today. im soooo fucking sick. ohh well.

i blacked out a lot. i dont remember that much. heh. the most i remember was convincing james to let us wrap him up in saran wrap. funny as hell seeing him stumble around. haha.

i think i fell a couple times on my way home... i got a bunch of cuts and bruises.

mmmkay well i feel like shit and nothings helping. ima go now peace.

SWEET OLD PEOPLE!!! hahaha

2005-10-20T01:47:56Z

So today was cool. Missed another doctors appointment because i didnt go to bed until 8am. So i slept till 1:30pm. haha. So i chilled with chris and watched a movie. Then came to my house and waited for Amber. Then we convinced Jess to go to CHEERLEADING PRACTICE!!!! haha. Yeah i know its crazy that i even went. And now im sore from jumping. We walked home and talked about killing boys. haha. Then i fixed up my plants and gave them a new home. And now im really bored. I forgot i had soccer practice... ohh well.

I think im going to clean the garage out tomorrow, the sooner the better. So this winter im going to fix up my mini bike. Gotta take apart the engine to even see whats wrong with it. Then Chris, Jon and I are going to try and re-build jons engine for his 80cc bike. Hmm... going to spend a lot of time in the garage this winter. haha.

Okay time to go clean my room. Byes.

I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue. I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted, and someday, you'd leave me for somebody new. Worry, why do I let myself worry? Wondering, what in the world should I do? Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you. I'm crazy for trying, crazy for crying, and I'm crazy for loving you.